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Everybody has a horrible neighbour you don’t trust and would be happy to see leave the area. A few weeks ago I received this poorly written hand delivered letter in the mail.

It took me five minutes alone just to stop laughing at the way they spelled the word neighbour.

Dear nayba

My name is Jan from number 14. My son James will be doing a sponsered walk to raise awarenes for a charatee

His 2 mile walk will be taking place on the 17th of this month (next week) on the common. If you would like to sponsa his walk per mile or as a 1 amount please rite down the amount on this letta and return it to number 14.

Give whateva you can it does not have to be a lot a couple of quid will do.

Jan.

My Response

Hi Jan,

Firstly let me congratulate you on finally motivating your son to do something with his life other than terrorising the neighbourhood. I am glad to hear he is putting his energy into more positive endeavours these days. There may be hope for him yet.

Unfortunately I will not be able to sponsor a donation on this occasion due to the fact your son still owes me money for vandalising the back of my property.

On another note two miles is not a distance that I would consider a challenge, I walk up to five miles a day just to and from work.

You also failed to mention any specific charity which is odd considering you are trying to raise awareness for it. So I can only assume that both the charity and the walk are imaginary and all proceeds will end up in either yours or James’s back pocket.

Also is there any reason why James did not take the time to write the letter himself. The way it reads gives the impression that James is a child. Although he may act like one most of the time, that’s just an unfortunate side effect of your parenting skills.

I wish you all the best of luck in the future your friendly neighbour at number 8.

Jans Response

Dear nayba,

How dare you fuckin talk about my son like that. James ain’t done nothing to your property. He may have ad some troubles in the past but he has calmed down a lot now. I am a great mom and I have raised him and my others to have respec for peeple. We all make mistakes in life nobody is perfect.

The charity is real and so is the walk. If you dont want to sponsa him you could have just said no instead of being a dickhead.

Jan.

My Response

Hi Jan,

I am sorry that the truth hurts and your vision is so blurry. The troubles in the past that you speak of were just last week. On Tuesday on my return from work I witnessed James and a group of fellow idiots trying set fire to a letter box.

The only reason why he may appear to have calmed down from time to time is because you are witnessing the sweet satisfying effects of marijuana. If you want him to remain calm I suggest you keep him medicated.

It is true we all make mistakes in life and in your case it was your son James. But at some point you need to learn from those mistakes, but you didn’t you carried on and made four more children. I pray they turn out to be better human beings than their predecessor.

Anyway wish you all the best for the future from your happy neighbour at number 8.

Late that night I received this note in the mail

Your a fuckin idiot you betta watch your back.

My Response

Hi Jan,

I can only assume due to the similar poor use of grammar that this last note came from your residence. I just wanted to point out that it is impossible to watch your own back but I will keep it in mind.

I assume James did the walk on Tuesday how did he get on. I tried to show support by turning up at the common but the groundskeeper said there were no scheduled sponsored walks that day. I must have went to the wrong place.

Jans Response

Fuck you!!

To the delight of everybody in the neighbourhood the family were evicted two weeks later due to rent arrears.

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