Sour Tales ๐Ÿ„ #06: Goodbye Rachel

Posted: January 21, 2018 in ๐Ÿ„ Sour Tales

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.ย 

Hello All

Request for funds to the end of December.

I did not send a request for last month so Iโ€™m asking for payment to the end of December. (some of you will owe November and December or possibly more)

The Milk Fundโ€™s budgetary statement is as follows:

โ€œThe milk fund remains solvent.โ€

Notices:

The Milk Fund has bid goodbye to one of its members: Rachel

Rachelโ€™s willingness to testify in open court against โ€˜Milk Thievesโ€™ earned her a spot in the Milk Fundโ€™s Witness Relocation Programme.

She is now living an anonymous existence in an undisclosed location under a new identity: although her choice of new name, Anastasia Von Pommelhorst (IV) appears less than entirely inconspicuous.

In other news Milk thieving continues unabated.

The notorious โ€œsecurity bag-tearerโ€ on the 3rd floor remains active and at large.

It should be noted that this individual only tears the bag on certain days of the week. This suggests a possible Jekyll and Hyde type character: An individual who is usually able to pilfer milk on a sneaky basis, but on some days (possibly when the Northern Line/traffic is severe), undergoes a โ€œchangeโ€.

This could take the form of a furrowing of the brow coupled with a diminishment of rational thought;

This individual is therefore likely to be a senior member of staff. Over time this individual has likely developed an air of entitlement; regarding others as his feudal serfs over whom he has dominion. He therefore believes that what is theirs is his.

This enables him to calmly tear the carrier bag without any pang of remorse.

However, even more degenerate than the โ€˜carrier bag tearerโ€™ (difficult to imagine, I know) are the people who screw the cap on over the bag.

This then causes milk to get into the bag.

If any of you are doing this please refrain doing so in the future as it is disgusting.

If you identify a milk thief you are advised to hiss at them as they walk by or spread libellous gossip about them.

The milk fund endorses the practice of rumour-mongering; as well as malicious hissing.

If you feel you will be unable to engage in these practices; courses will be available.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing โ€˜milk pilferingโ€™, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency. Please see instructional video below.ย 


It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

If this persists I will have to introduce a mandatory bag tying training seminar; failure to complete training will result in cancellation of membership.

Another threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for the supplementation of hot beverages, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Kind regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat.ย 

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