Sour Tales ๐Ÿ„ #07 The Malevolant Stare

Posted: January 21, 2018 in ๐Ÿ„ Sour Tales

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.ย 

Hello All

Request for funds from January to end of July

I did not send a request for the last few of months so Iโ€™m asking for payment from Jan to the end of July. (some of you will owe November and December or possibly more)

Notices:ย 

The Milk Fund remains solvent.

The Milk Fund has bid goodbye to some of its members โ€“ many of the City contracting team fled to/sought refuge at the Costa Del Sister Company.

We wish them well.

In other news Milk thieving continues unabated.

There is an understandable lack of willingness to confront milk thieves. Therefore a more passive-aggressive approach is advocated.

On witnessing an act of milk theft: milk fund members are encouraged to lock the offender in a malevolent stare; to then point to the milk fund members list and then shake oneโ€™s head in a disdainful manner.

Note: It is imperative to maintain a malevolent stare. A stare without malevolence is likely to appear simply vacant. Rather than feeling cowed or shamed perpetrators are likely to enquire as to whether the starer is โ€˜feeling alrightโ€™?

If you feel your stare lacks malevolence please practice in a mirror beforehand.

The Orbit time portal has been introduced.

To coincide with this the as of the 1st of July the Milk Fund has launched its Milk Usage recording system. This was after a lengthy pilot programme.

The pilot actually took the form of a surveillance exercise where some members of staff were โ€˜monitoredโ€™ in their daily visits to the kitchen. Some of you will have felt the creepy sensation that you were being watched โ€“ thatโ€™s because you were.

Members of the Milk Fund will be required to record the time used for different tasks and the quantity of caffeination required to complete tasks.

To illustrate further, Sherlock Holmes referred to the case of The Red Headed League as a โ€˜3 pipe problemโ€™. Whilst the Milk Fund does not endorse imbibing the same infusions as Holmes in order to aid solution of work-related problems; certain tasks naturally place similar demands on caffeine (and by extension milk) resources.

i.e. Who among us has not been confronted with a โ€˜2 cuppa spreadsheetโ€™?

Others will similarly have found themselves requiring several coffees to sustain them through soporific meetings and mandatory training sessions.

Members of the milk fund will therefore be required to complete a daily record of milk/caffeine consumption. This will require Milk Fund members to account for all caffeine/milk based beverages against the tasks/meetings they are required to complete.

This will involve listing individual tasks and then selecting a โ€˜tedium ratingโ€™ on a scale of 1 to 5. This will then be followed by totalling the required caffeine/milk based beverages required to complete the task.

This will be a daily mandatory requirement.

At the end of the month: the Milk Fund will collate none of the information and make no decisions based on this empirical evidence. The Milk Fund will instead continue to make decisions based on its own prejudiced attitude, applying its ongoing low opinion of the human race.

Regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s