Sour Tales 🐄 #08: Zeno’s Paradox

Posted: January 28, 2018 in 🐄 Sour Tales

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

I did not send a request for the last few of months so I’m asking for payment to the end of September.

I’m requesting payment for the months up to September now: for most new members that’s the period from June – September i.e. £8. For others, it’s more.


The Milk Fund remains solvent. Just about.

Since my last email some members of the milk club have gone to a better place. They have not expired. They have simply moved to the dizzying heights of the 5th floor. These are mostly members of the DITC, who moved in mid-May. Apparently, they have something called ‘sunlight’ there. The rest of us Morlocks continue to toil away in the shadowy cauldron-like purgatory of the 1st and 2nd floors.

This will therefore be my final missive to (former) members of the milk club now resident on the 5th floor. I have still to write to individuals to request final outstanding payments. I just haven’t got round to it. We wish them well.

For many of my emails I’ve railed against milk theft. However, perhaps our sympathies should really go to these milk thieves. These intrepid pilferers make the journey from their desks to the kitchen seeking ‘free’ milk.

I saw a procession of these go one after another on Friday afternoon, making the trip, reaching the fridge and eking a bit more from the bottle. Obviously with each additional trip, the bottle would have been noticeably further depleted; therefore successive milk thieves would take a progressively smaller amount each time, whilst endeavouring not to exhaust the bottle completely. (this is actually a demonstration of Zeno’s Paradox at work – we should have paid more attention in Maths)

It got to a point when these individuals made their sorties only to discover it had ran dry. Of course, such is the mind-set of the milk thief, they would refuse to believe that their act of theft could have contributed to the running down of the supply. Therefore the bottle was never thrown away.

These individuals would then have to return to their desks in a state of mild confusion at how this seemingly eternal bottle had ceased to deliver any further milk.

I witnessed one regular offender. He entered the kitchen. He filled the appropriate hot water from the dispenser and then went to extract his milk armed with his mug, a smug smile and his customary sense of entitlement. He opened the fridge and found himself staring at the empty shelves. One might have expected him to close the fridge door at this point. However, he simply continued to look expectantly at these shelves, perhaps imagining that if he stared for long enough some ‘free’ milk would appear.

However, none came. The dirty white abyss of the fridge stared back at him and only served to reflect the emptiness of his own soul.

Finally, he closed the door and trudged back to his desk.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

I have mentioned this before but another great threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for the supplementation of hot beverages, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Until next time.


The Soulless Bureaucrat

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