Archive for the ‘✉️ To whom it may concern’ Category

  

To whom it may concern at Currys & PC World,

I have long been a fan of technology and reserve at least a few hours a month to check out the latest gadgets on offer. However over the last year I have noticed that my local Curry’s/PC World appears to be struggling. 

For example, recently my old crappy printer eventually stopped working. Actually it stopped working after I smashed it to bits with a hammer for consistently jamming on me. 


I recently wanted to purchase a new colour printer/scanner that was able to print double-sided. I needed to be sure about a few of the specifications before completing my purchase so I asked for some assistance at the counter. 

I was told somebody will be with me in a moment. I assumed that this would be a five minute wait followed by a five minute conversation with a sales assistant and then I would be on my way home printing counterfeit money in no time.  

It didn’t take me too long to realise that I was going to be waiting much longer than five minutes. 


You see, I wasn’t the only one waiting for assistance, there were 7 of us in total. I am a patient person so I waited, and waited, and waited some more, and after 25 minutes a member of staff became available. 

You might assume the reason for the long delay was because your store was extremely busy that day and your staff were rushed off their feet and doing all they could to attend to all of the requests made by the demanding customers, but you would be wrong. In fact there were less than 15 customers in the whole store but the problem was there were only two members of staff on duty and one of those members of staff was stuck behind the till.


In a store as cavernous as yours, it is ridiculous to think that two members of staff would ever be adequate, especially when customer queries can last up to fifteen minutes per person. 

Unfortunately the lady behind the counter received a torrent of abuse from angry customers that had had enough of waiting around to speak with somebody. I have never seen anything like it. I did feel sorry for her, she looked like she had been severely battered with words.

One customer was picking up a repaired PC. He asked the lady at the counter for a bag to put it in, so he could carry it home. That suddenly turned into a huge fiasco that would have fitted perfectly in an episode of Faulty Towers.

Apparently there were no bags big enough behind the counter and the woman at the counter was not allowed to leave the counter so the situation became gridlocked. The guy needed to leave to make an appointment but had no way of transporting the PC home. The women behind the counter had no way of contacting the one assistant that was on the shop floor. 


To make matters worse, the guy became even more incensed and animated when the women behind the counter asked him why he didn’t just bring his car. That was like adding paper doused in petrol to an overheated printer. Needless to say the guy went nuts. I had to interject with a bit of light humour to calm the situation down. 

Once the calm had been restored, the women behind the counter remained silent and refused to say another word, the other customers continued to try and talk to her. Things got awkward really quickly. You could see in her eyes that she was considering one of two things, either quitting her job or killing everybody around her. At this point I just slowly backed away.

I have been shopping with Currys for many years and this is the worst I have ever seen it. I am used to having to wait a little bit of time but this one took the biscuit. Is this a glimpse of the future for Currys or do you have a plan to curb experiences like this in the future.

I look forward to your response

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

Currys Response. 10/09/20

Dear Sebastian, 

Case Reference: CC2793321 

Thank you for your email dated 8th September 2015. I have been unable to locate a telephone number to contact you on. 

I am sorry to learn of your recent experience. Your complaint will be referred to the Manager of the Store in order that action can be taken to pursue this matter internally to ensure that other customers are not disappointed in the same way. Could you please advise which store you had visited. 

Every complaint that we receive is taken very seriously and investigated thoroughly, there are also occasions when aspects of feedback will be utilised to identify improvement opportunities, however, we are not obliged to share all our findings. 

Although it is a disappointment to hear from an unhappy customer, it is through feedback such as yours that we learn where we can improve our customer services. Please accept my apologies for the frustration and inconvenience caused as a result of this matter. 

Thank you for contacting Currys KNOWHOW™. 

Kind regards, 

Fares Sailan

My Response 17/06/2016

Hello Fares,

Thank you for responding to my email back in September.

Sorry for such a long delay in responding back to you. Ironic considering the subject matter in my first email. It was not my intention but I have been busy. I’m sure you of all people will understand. 

Currys Barnet


The store that I was referring to is in Barnet. they had me waiting around forever. I have recently returned to the store to find it better manned with staff. However the level of shared intellect or knowledge of products remains the same. It’s getting to the point where I feel I know more about the products than most of the staff do. Do you even have a training policy anymore?

On my last trip to Currys I wanted to buy some Thermal Paste to carry out some 

repairs on an old PlayStation 3. I already predicted before I entered the store that nobody was going to know what the hell I was talking about despite the fact it’s a common item when repairing most electronics. 

The first member of staff I asked told me to try B&Q across the road. The second member of staff said she had never heard of it and had a look on her face like I was lying or making the product up. In the end I searched the massive store for fifteen minutes and found it in a section next to the keyboards. Why? I have no idea. 

When I showed the two members of staff that I had indeed found what I was looking for, they just stared back at me gormlessly and appeared completely unfazed by the whole situation.

It’s still a stressful experience no matter what you go in the store to get. Quick and easy transactions are extremely rare.


Also is there any reason why I can never find compressed air in a can. It’s a great tool for cleaning dust out of electrical appliances. That should be an item you always have in stock, sitting next to items such as Thermal Paste in a section that is clearly marked PC repairs. But hey what do I know.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to your response.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen. 

Awaiting response from Currys. 

Still waiting for a response from Currys. 


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To whom it may concern at B&Q,

I had the misfortune of shopping in one of your stores recently. This summer I had to complete some overdue projects around the house so I needed a few tools and materials to complete the jobs.

I will be the first to admit that my experience at building things is limited. I built a spice rack once for my grandma when I was about twelve years old but since then things have been a little quiet. However my ambition and determination is second to none. I assumed my enthusiasm would be enough to get me started and the experience of your trained staff would surly help me with the rest.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. The staff working there do not appear to have any training on anything, including basic life or communication skills. I was astonished by the lack of knowledge they possessed about anything they sold. I asked one guy where I could find a funnel and he stared back at me blankly for about twenty seconds before taking me to four different aisles that didn’t have funnels. I then asked him if he knew what a funnel was and he responded back with, kind of. Needless to say I did not manage to purchase a funnel that day.

 

This looks like fun, but can you show me where the funnels are please.

 
How is anybody supposed to ‘Do It Yourself’ if you can’t get any basic information on any of the merchandise that you sell? I spent most of my time on my phone watching DIY tutorials on You Tube to find out what I would need and how to do it (It’s a good job I have a decent data package on my phone).  Whenever I asked staff where to find all the items that I wanted to purchase, they were clueless.

On at least six occasions their default answer for everything, no matter what you asked for was aisle 36. I quickly realised that this was a tactic they employed to avoid having to help anyone. Once you let a member of staff disappear from your side you might as well give up on finding them ever again. 

 

Try aisle 36…again

 
To make matters worse, when a member of staff is trying to locate another member of staff to assist you, they end up giving you a complete tour of the whole store in an attempt to find them. Why not supply your staff with walkie talkies? This would save time and energy for everybody involved.

My experience was a terrible one and due to the fact that I could not seek the correct advice in store, it meant that I had to make more than two trips to find parts that I was unaware that I needed. The ironic thing is every time you pay for an item and the cashier hands you your receipt, they make such a big deal about asking you for customer feedback, as if they are doing an amazing job or something.

Consider this letter as my customer feedback. I found shopping in B&Q stressful and highly frustrating and I am not in any rush to return there in the near future.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

B&Qs Response 

Good afternoon Mr Bowen,

Thank you for your email dated 26th August 2015. We apologise for the delay in response.

We are very sorry to hear that you have cause to complain on this occasion in regards to the customer service that you have received in store. 

We have contacted the Store Manager to pass on your comments and requested that this be addressed internally as a matter of urgency.

B&Q constantly strive on customer service and it is clear that on this occasion we have failed to meet your expectations. Rest assured this is not the way we expect our customers to be treated and will endeavour to ensure that this sort of behaviour does not continue
Due to the nature of your complaint, an internal investigation will be carried out and we unfortunately will be unable to provide any feedback.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us and we hope that this incident does not deter you from shopping with us in future.

Thank you for contacting B&Q.

Kind regards,
Lisa Harkins B&Q Customer Services

My Response

Hello Lisa, 

Thank you for getting back to me. I was starting to feel like B&Q really didn’t care about their customers anymore. 

In regards to the internal investigation that you are about to conduct, have you considered just employing or training more staff that are knowledgable about the products you sell? Or at the very least equip them with some form of tech so they are permanently connected to a reliable source of information. That way they have no need to stare back at you with a blank expression slapped across their face whenever you ask them a simple question. 

Why are you not able to share the results from your investigation? I believe customers would be delighted to read that you are fully aware of how bad things are, and they would be eager to hear how you’re planning to improve things for the future.

In the meantime I have come up with an ingenious idea that I think would benefit your customers greatly. It’s called DIY PRO! 

Example of a DIY PRO team.

What is DIY PRO? I hear you ask. 

DIY PRO is my soon to be copyrighted idea that gives customers a “real shop” experience. DIY PRO will allow customers to book a designated time slot with an expertly trained member of staff. When the customer arrives at the store they will receive undivided attention from a DIY PRO.This will allow a customer like myself to show the DIY PRO a photo or a badly drawn picture of what I want to build, and the DIY PRO will lead the customer to every aisle assisting with options on tools and materials and the best way to approach the project. Hence the “real shop” experience. 

After the short market research that I conducted, I discovered that an overwhelming 100% of your customers said they would like to feel like they are in a real shop. 

 

Real shop experience = happy customers.

 
Despite the fact that this service should already be available to your B&Q customers for free, I am willing to bet my hard earned money that you could charge a reasonable fee for this service and customers would be willing to pay it. Anything beats walking around the store for hours scratching your head like a confused monkey. 

If you like the sound of this idea let me know, because for an agreed fee, I would be happy to organise and facilitate the launch of DIY PRO to the people of Great Britain today. 

I look forward to your response, 

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen. 

B&Qs Response

Good afternoon Mr Bowen,

Thank you for your email dated 4th September 2015 regarding your experience with the B&Q Friern Barnet store. Please accept my apology for the delay in our response.

I am very sorry to hear about the poor customer service you received from one of our stores, and must apologise for the inconvenience caused. This is not the level of service B&Q expects for its customers and I can understand your concern and disappointment.

Your complaint has been passed to the Duty Manager of the store for an internal investigation. I have sent them a further email to advise that any comments they can provide in response would be appreciated.

Once I have received a response, I will certainly contact you with an update.

Thank you for contacting B&Q.

Kind regards,

Nicole Turnbull B&Q Customer Services

My Response

Hello Nicole, 

Thank you for getting back to me. It’s much appreciated. What happened to Lisa? Did she find another job. I hope it had nothing to do with me. 

I am pleased to hear that you will be sharing the findings of your internal investigation with me. As a customer I feel like for the first time my input finally matters. I am sure your methods for smoking out the perpetrators are second to none, but I would like to take this opportunity to offer you my services free of charge as a mystery shopper. 

I have no experience as a mystery shopper in the professional sense, but how hard could it be. Essentially I am a mystery shopper every time I enter a shop that I have never been in before. I will even wear a disguise if it is necessary, in fact of course it’s necessary I have the perfect thing upstairs in the wardrobe. To avoid and ensure their is no confusion about who I am, I have included a photograph of what I will be wearing to pass on to your management and security teams.

 

My secret disguise

 
I am a huge fan of Sherlock Holmes and I can’t think of a more fitting time to try it on. 

In fact the very thought of this has got me excited and I think I’ll do my first mystery shop today. I know if we work together we can eradicate any ill willed behaviour amongst the B&Q family and offer an honest and impeccable service to all future customers. 

Please can you also forward me a shift rota for all staff so I can work out a schedule. This will ensure I get to test everybody and treat everybody fairly. 

I look forward to speaking to you soon, 

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen. 

B&Qs Response

Good afternoon Mr Bowen,

Thank you for your email dated 10th September 2015. We apologise for the delay in response.

Unfortunately we are unable to provide you with the requested information for data protection. All quality on items and staff is done internally within the business.

Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Thank you for contacting B&Q.

Kind regards,

Lisa Harkins B&Q Customer Services

My Response 

Hello Lisa, 

Glad to see you came back. I was beginning to think you had abandoned ship and moved on to other exciting retail adventures. 

Lisa, I would be lying if I said your response did not come as an utter disappointment. Receiving a copy of the rota was necessary in order for to me to conduct a thorough investigation.  

Fear not Lisa, because I have come up with another ingenious idea. I will wear a hidden camera to ensure I remember whom I have spoken with and what they have said. Last year I won a bid on eBay that made me the proud owner of one of those flash spy pens you see in all the James Bond films. I have included a image in case you don’t watch spy films. You should spy films because they are awesome. 
 

My awesome spy pen

 

Is that not the best thing you have ever seen. I can’t wait to use it. Everything will go ahead as planned. 

Is that not the best thing you have ever seen. I can’t wait to use it. Everything will go ahead as planned. 

Looking forward to seeing you all in the near future. 

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

No Further Response

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To whom it may concern at Walkers,

I have long been a fan of the walkers brand and I have been eating your delicious treats for as long as I can remember. In 2003 Walkers re-launched the popular Smiths snack, Salt ‘n’ Shake and cleverly retitled it to Salt & Shake to erase any confusion, genius.

I was excited when I first heard the news that Walkers were buying the snack from Smiths because I thought that this could potentially be a game changer in the world of crisp.

When I was a young boy I used to buy a packet of Salt and Shake once in a while for the novelty, but I was always unimpressed with the range of flavours available.

The problem was, unless you were a fan of ready salted crisp they were not the most desirable snack on the shelves. I once tried to add vinegar to a bag in an attempt to try and create my own version of salt and vinegar flavoured crisps, but that went horribly wrong. That was the day that I learnt that snacks are far more complicated to make than they look.

Anyway getting back to my point, I was wondering why Walkers have not capitalised on this brand that they acquired over ten years ago by releasing more flavours. I was looking forward to BBQ flavour, Spicy flavour or even the possibility of mixing two flavours together to create a brand new exciting flavour. I thought the 2003 reboot was going to be an amazing new adventure for Walkers but it has been disappointing to see that the Salt & Shake brand other than the name has not evolved since its creation in the 1920s.

Please can you let me know if Walkers have any future plans to expand the brand in the near future? I have been eagerly awaiting something since 2003. I have put together a list of flavours (copyrighted of course) that I think could put Salt & Shake back on the map. I would be happy to share these ideas with you if you are interested.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

Walkers Response

Dear Mr Bowen

Thank you for taking the time to write to us. We are so pleased to have received your letter saying how much you like and enjoy our Walkers Salt & Shake Crisps and that you would like to see new exciting flavours in the range.

Your comments are really very special to us because it’s your opinion that counts and is the reason for everything we do. I will be sharing your valued comments with our Marketing Team as I know they are always eager to learn what people think of our products.

Adding new flavours to our current range is always a really difficult decision and one that our Marketing Development Teams and their agencies face every day. They understand that everyone has their own individual ideas and unique taste buds, giving endless choices and combinations of flavours!!

One thing you can rely on is that we will always do our best to bring you a wide variety of amazingly tasty, top quality products that are hard to resist.

Thanks again for letting us know the kind of flavours you would like to see us making in the future and I hope you will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Yours Sincerely,

Rhiannon Thomas
Customer Services.

My Response

Hello Rhiannon,
Thank you for responding to my letter, it’s nice to know that some snack companies really care about their consumers.

Just to correct you slightly, I am not enjoying the Salt & Shake range due to the lack of flavours and ambition. I stated in my letter that I was never a big fan of ready salted crisp which is why I would shy away from them in the past. I was hoping that when Walkers picked up the brand they would have done something amazing with it, but I am still waiting.

You say in your letter that adding flavours to your current range is always a really difficult decision. I would love to know what your decision making process is, I may be able to help. I make important decisions all the time; I would consider myself an expert at it. In all the years I have been making decisions none of those decision have taken me 11 years to make. Isn’t that the opposite of making a decision, the very definition of indecisive?

It’s not like you have a shortage of existing flavours, I don’t understand why some of those flavours can’t be transferred to the Salt & Shake brand. Whoever is in charge of making the decisions over there should be fired or demoted at the very least. I hope it’s not Gary Lineker. He may be excellent when it comes to talking about football but not so good when it comes to making decisions about anything else. Did you see him on Match of the Day this weekend? It looked like his face was still trying to decide whether or not to have a moustache or not.

Anyway I digress. You mentioned in your letter that my ideas will be passed onto the Marketing team for review; I expect you will pay me handsomely if you decide to move forward with any of my ideas. For payment, I will accept a 5 Million Pounds one off fee or a life time supply of crisps. I am not a hard man to please, and I understand we are all struggling in this current financial crisis.

Please let me know if you would like me to forward you photocopies of my recipes. I have put together possible flavours and brand new flavours that nobody has ever used before! Such things like Jerk Chicken, Pancake & Maple Syrup or my personal favourite Veal with Portabello Mushrooms. I worked hard to refine these flavours and I think they would all be suitable for the Walkers Brand. Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Once again thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

Walkers Response

Dear Mr Bowen,

Thank you very much for your further letter.

I am sorry that you are not currently enjoying the Salt & Shake due to not having other flavours available, as my colleague mentioned adding new flavours to the Salt & Shake range is always a really difficult decision and one that our R&D and Marketing Team faces every day.

We understand that everyone has their own individual ideas and unique taste buds, giving endless choices and combinations of flavours!!

We are always very interested in new ideas which could possibly help our business. However we are committed to several outside agencies and our own employees who devote their time and energy to dreaming up imaginative new ideas for new products and improving our current range.

Experience has also taught us that many ideas we receive have either been considered are actually in development or have been used previously by ourselves, our competitors or have been ruled out for various reasons.

I will however forward all your comments on to you Marketing team for their attention.

Thank you once again for taking the time to contact us.

Yours Sincerely,

Mandeep Riyat
Customer Services.

My Response

Hello Mandeep,

Thank you for responding to my letter regarding the Salt and Shake Range.
Firstly I must ask what happened to Rhiannon. I hope I didn’t upset her, is she ok?

You state in your letter that adding flavours to the Salt & Shake range is always a difficult decision. I am not aware that there has ever been any other flavour added to the Salt & Shake range since 1920. Why does it take almost One Hundred years to add one extra flavour?

Like I said in my previous letter I am not sure who is making the decisions over there but they don’t seem to be doing a very good job.

These outside agencies that you speak of appear to be dragging their feet on the matter. Your best outside agents are your customers. Your customers know what they want and have definitely eaten more Walkers crisps than all of your staff put together. Put your trust in us.

Mandeep I don’t want a generic robot response back from you, I would like an actual human response that addresses the point I am making in my letter. No company takes one hundred years to make such a small decision. Even if I take into consideration that Walkers only acquired the Salt and Shake Brand in 2003, that is still well over ten years to make up your mind on the next flavour.

In my opinion you have really dropped the ball on this one. Considering Gary Lineker is the celebrity who endorses the Walkers Brand, I find that totally unacceptable.

I look forward to your response and possible solution to the problem,
Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

P.S Merry Christmas.

Awaiting Response

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To whom it may concern at Nestle,

My name is Sebastian Bowen. I recently purchased one of your many delicious products this morning and was pleasantly surprised. Although I have been a fan of the brand for 32 years, I had never tried this particular product before from your fine selection of merchandise.

The particular product I am referring to is the Hazelnut KitKat Chunky Bar. Two syllables spring to mind, yum and me.

First of all let me congratulate you on the evolutionary and revolutionary design of the KitKat range. When other chocolate bar manufacturers went for a two finger bar, you guys knew from the beginning that four fingers are better than two. I tell my wife that all the time.

It was a genius decision, please continue to praise whoever came up with it. Even on the odd occasion when I do have a two finger KitKat, I always end up having two of them thus consuming four fingers anyway.

I have been aware for some time that you do produce a three finger bar, but unfortunately as of now it is still a myth to me, I am yet to come across it in any shop. If you could tell me where to locate one I would be very happy.

Since the launch of the Chunky KitKat in 1998 it has been a regular addition to my daily lunch box and has brought much joy to a variety of break times. Not since the 1920’s when KitKat was first launched has there been a more inspiring bar. One can only imagine the excitement amongst the people when the bar graced the shop shelves with its presence for the first time.

A good friend, and long-time pen pal of mine Yoshi E Honda, regularly teases me about the extreme variety of KitKats available to him in Japan. He claims that Japan has 200 flavours of KitKat but I told him that couldn’t possibly be true. Please can you clarify if this is true with a list, and if so why are they not available over here for us British consumers.

I managed to find some images on the internet (see at the bottom of the page) but it’s hard to believe anything you see on the internet. Yoshi said that in Japan you can have any flavour you like. It seems a little unfair. Proof is necessary, please confirm.

Anyhow the actual reason for my letter is two fold. Firstly I recently discovered that you have discontinued the Hazelnut version of the Chunky KitKat to allow the Mint version to flourish.

It’s my understanding that out of the four new flavours you presented to us, the Mint flavour was allegedly voted the best by the British public. But having spoken to many other KitKat fans like myself, I do believe this is a mistake.

The Hazelnut bar was the far superior bar out of the four flavours, followed closely by Chocolate Fudge.

Although the Mint is a nice addition, I feel there are other confectionary products on the market that already have this angle covered. Such snacks as After Eights and Aero which are both fine products that you already own and manufacture, have catered to the chocolaty mint loving section of society.

Mint winning was just a little too obvious and cliché, evidently chosen by people that were not KitKat connoisseurs like myself.

Anyway this ship has now sailed and there is nothing I can do about it. However I felt it was necessary to voice my opinion, and highlight your obvious mistake.

I digress to my second point. As stated in my email earlier I have long been a fan of the four fingered version of the KitKat and have enjoyed it countless times. However since the birth of the Chunky KitKat I have always been torn between the two.

One day whilst I was solving another one of the world’s problems I had another eureka moment. Why doesn’t KitKat produce a four fingered Chunky KitKat? It makes perfect sense. Also instead of the standard single flavour for each finger, instead each finger could be a different flavoured Chunky KitKat. What could be more awesome than that! The answer, quite simply, is nothing.

I believe this is a great idea, one that should be rushed to the board of directors immediately. An idea like this is a game changer and will propel profits so high that the CEO of Nestle will be sitting on his new luxury cruiser, sipping champagne whilst thinking to himself, recession, what recession?

If you do not choose to go forth with my invention that’s ok, I won’t take the news too harsh. Besides I have already commissioned a chef to put together a prototype of what the four fingered Chunky would look like. I am happy to send you an image of this providing you promise not to steal my design.

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Keep up the good work.

Sebastian Bowen.

P.S here are the images I found please send confirmation.

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Nestle Response

Hello Sebastian,

We are always pleased to hear from our consumers. At Nestle we have people who continuously work on testing, developing and evaluating new product ideas.

Before a new product is launched we carry out market research into the needs and requirements of our consumers and we record all the comments received. Sometimes ideas which appear to be new may already have been explored.

We are very sorry but we are unable to accept creative suggestions from outside the Company. However, we are still very grateful to you for spending so much time and effort on your idea.

Unfortunately we do not sell every flavour of KitKat here in the UK. We do a lot of research into our brands and have found that the consumers’ tastes vary a great deal between different countries and cultures.

There is a wide range of flavours of KitKats available in the Japanese market although I am afraid I cannot get hold of the full list of flavours for you. Although you could take a look at the Nestle Japanese website: http://www.nestle.co.jp/.

The KitKat team are constantly reviewing the range of flavours we offer in the UK and this includes looking at what is available in other markets.

I can assure you that your comments have been noted and will be highlighted to the KitKat team ready for future development meetings.
We are sorry you had this experience with one of our products and thank you for giving us the opportunity to comment on this matter.

Zoe Nudd

Contact Centre Executive, Consumer Services.

My Response

Hello Zoe,
Thank you for responding to my previous letter. In response to your letter I have a few points I would like to touch on.

You mentioned that market research is always done before the launch of a project. How can I become a part of this? I think I would be a valuable addition to the team. I believe that refusing to accept any ideas from outside the company is a really bad idea. Consumers are the best people to tell you what is right and what is wrong with the product or the brand.

It is disappointing that the UK has such a limited selection of KitKats compared to Japan especially when the UK is now a diverse mixture of people from all ethnic backgrounds. I am sure some of the pallets of the UK citizens would surprise you.

The link that you sent me (: http://www.nestle.co.jp/) is only helpful if you can read Japanese. Although I am learning, I am unable to read the webpage at this time. However I was able to find a website (http://www.weirdasianews.com/2010/03/18/japans-strangest-kit-kat-flavors/) that highlights some of the many different flavours available over there.

To say that Japan has a little more flavours is like saying Dubai is a little hotter than London. It feels like the UK is miles behind in the evolution of the KitKat.

It looks like whoever was in charge of the decision making in the marketing team has been on a break for a very long time. I would like to offer my KitKat expertise to the marketing team as I believe I have a lot of ideas that could benefit customers in the UK. I would be happy to share those ideas with you on your request.

I hope that the KitKat will someday find a brighter future on British soil and become a much more diverse bar of chocolate than it currently is.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen

Nestle Response

Thank you very much for your reply.

Unusual flavours of KitKats sell abroad but there is not enough demand for it in this country at the moment. We do a lot of research into our brands and have found that consumer’s tastes vary a great deal between different countries and cultures.

To have your ideas shared with the company you may be interested to know we have a Consumer Panel. The Consumer Panel is a database of consumers that we may contact on a regular basis asking for their input and idea regarding new product concepts or changes to established products.
If you would like to join our Consumer Panel, please complete the following survey by using this link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZPB2VXL

I have also contacted the KitKat Brand team and let them know of the comments you have raised in both of your previous letters.

We hope this information will be helpful and thank you for your interest and loyalty to our products.

Yours sincerely,

Zoe Nudd
Contact Centre Executive, Consumer Services.

My Response

Hello Zoe,
Thank you once again for responding to my letter.

I am aware that different countries have different tastes but I am not sure that the British public are even aware that some of these flavours exist. How can they possibly know what they want if they have never been shown what is available. It sounds a little unfair to me.

I think next year’s Halloween would be a great time to test some new or strange flavours on the British public. Tomfoolery is widely accepted around that time of year.

Thank you for informing me of the Consumer Panel, I have signed myself up and I am awaiting the next stage. I think it will be fun to share some of my favourite ideas.

How exciting would it be if they decided to go ahead and make my Jamaican Jerk Chicken flavour or Strawberry and Mango flavour? That would be awesome!

I am glad to hear that my ideas have been passed onto the KitKat Brand Team. I am sure they will appreciate what I have done. I assume that they will not rip off my ideas. If I see any of my flavours out on sale I will of course expect you to send me a cheque in the post. I hate to be hard on you but times are hard for everybody at the moment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

Awaiting Response

20130603-140412.jpg

To whom it may concern at Evian,

I have been buying Evian for many years and find your product innocent refreshing and delicious. Since my first experience when I first tasted the sweet sweet comfort of the South of France minerals I have been a big fan of your liquidy treat.

At one point in my life I became totally obsessed with your water and I was spending anywhere in the region of £100 – £150 a week on Evian. I used to cook with it, clean with it, wash with it. I found it to be a great solution for acne relief and other skin irritations.

I still currently use Evian to water my plants and hydrate my three cats, H, Two & O. The cats really love it; they genuinely look healthier every day. I would be happy to send you images of them if you are interested in seeing the results of many years of adequate hydration. Maybe pets could be a new market that you guys could break into I’m sure other pet owners would agree.

Anyhow, the reason for my letter is to highlight something you may or may not be aware of. It was something that a friend of mine pointed out to me one day when the two of us were in the back garden relaxing and drinking Evian. All of a sudden Tony shouts out Oh no! And then begins to laugh hysterically. After what felt like an eternity he was able to wipe his tears away and compose himself.

He stated the reason why he was laughing was because Evian spelt backwards was Naive and I was stupid for believing it. I didn’t want to admit it at first but he was right. It was written on the bottle plain as day. I tried to defend Evian by telling him that in 1829 Mr Cachat first started bottling the water from the Sainte Catherine spring Evian-les-Bains, France, the same fresh pure spring water that has been used in every bottle across the globe.

I told him that it has been recognised as having medicinal qualities and has helped many people all over the world. This only made him laugh even harder. He said the water represented a true reflection of how naive people are today then he continued to laugh some more.

Tony said he is positive that all this water comes from some tap in England somewhere, where they treat it with chemicals to give it a unique taste. He then proceeded to take out his laptop and show me some damaging evidence on YouTube.

I told him this was all nonsense and completely fabricated of course but he kept insisting that I had become blind to the truth.

After he finished laughing for the third time I asked him to leave, however the damage had been done. I couldn’t help but think maybe he was right. Maybe this water does not come from France like I have always been led to believe. Now that I think about it I don’t know anybody that has been to that part of France for a holiday or has even mentioned it before on their travels. It’s strange that such a magical place with one of earth’s life sources is not publicised or visited more often. I have now added it to my top ten places to visit before the end of the year.

Anyway please could you help me shut Tony up and confirm that Evian is and always has come from a spring in France and not a tap in England? Just to be on the safe side I will refrain from drinking anymore Evian until I have your response.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours Sincerley

Sebastian Bowen.

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Everybody has a horrible neighbour you don’t trust and would be happy to see leave the area. A few weeks ago I received this poorly written hand delivered letter in the mail.

It took me five minutes alone just to stop laughing at the way they spelled the word neighbour.

Dear nayba

My name is Jan from number 14. My son James will be doing a sponsered walk to raise awarenes for a charatee

His 2 mile walk will be taking place on the 17th of this month (next week) on the common. If you would like to sponsa his walk per mile or as a 1 amount please rite down the amount on this letta and return it to number 14.

Give whateva you can it does not have to be a lot a couple of quid will do.

Jan.

My Response

Hi Jan,

Firstly let me congratulate you on finally motivating your son to do something with his life other than terrorising the neighbourhood. I am glad to hear he is putting his energy into more positive endeavours these days. There may be hope for him yet.

Unfortunately I will not be able to sponsor a donation on this occasion due to the fact your son still owes me money for vandalising the back of my property.

On another note two miles is not a distance that I would consider a challenge, I walk up to five miles a day just to and from work.

You also failed to mention any specific charity which is odd considering you are trying to raise awareness for it. So I can only assume that both the charity and the walk are imaginary and all proceeds will end up in either yours or James’s back pocket.

Also is there any reason why James did not take the time to write the letter himself. The way it reads gives the impression that James is a child. Although he may act like one most of the time, that’s just an unfortunate side effect of your parenting skills.

I wish you all the best of luck in the future your friendly neighbour at number 8.

Jans Response

Dear nayba,

How dare you fuckin talk about my son like that. James ain’t done nothing to your property. He may have ad some troubles in the past but he has calmed down a lot now. I am a great mom and I have raised him and my others to have respec for peeple. We all make mistakes in life nobody is perfect.

The charity is real and so is the walk. If you dont want to sponsa him you could have just said no instead of being a dickhead.

Jan.

My Response

Hi Jan,

I am sorry that the truth hurts and your vision is so blurry. The troubles in the past that you speak of were just last week. On Tuesday on my return from work I witnessed James and a group of fellow idiots trying set fire to a letter box.

The only reason why he may appear to have calmed down from time to time is because you are witnessing the sweet satisfying effects of marijuana. If you want him to remain calm I suggest you keep him medicated.

It is true we all make mistakes in life and in your case it was your son James. But at some point you need to learn from those mistakes, but you didn’t you carried on and made four more children. I pray they turn out to be better human beings than their predecessor.

Anyway wish you all the best for the future from your happy neighbour at number 8.

Late that night I received this note in the mail

Your a fuckin idiot you betta watch your back.

My Response

Hi Jan,

I can only assume due to the similar poor use of grammar that this last note came from your residence. I just wanted to point out that it is impossible to watch your own back but I will keep it in mind.

I assume James did the walk on Tuesday how did he get on. I tried to show support by turning up at the common but the groundskeeper said there were no scheduled sponsored walks that day. I must have went to the wrong place.

Jans Response

Fuck you!!

To the delight of everybody in the neighbourhood the family were evicted two weeks later due to rent arrears.

Free Money

No Such Thing As Free Money

The other day I received one of those dodgy emails you hear about on Watchdog. Normally I would just delete it and get on with my day but on this particular day I was in a playful mood and I thought I would have some fun with the idiot. The following is the correspondence from that email trail.

The scammers emails are very long so I have highlighted parts to save time for readers.

Dear Mr Bowen,

My name is Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

I am a senior government official in the Department of Public works and housing ofthe Republic of South Africa and the chairman of the board in charge of the contracts award execution and supervision of all contracts in the Ministry of works and Housing.

My colleague and I are serving in the board deliberately inflated and over invoiced the contract sum, leaving an excess of US$50, 000.000.00 (Fifty Million United States dollars). At the completion of the contract, the real contract sum was paid to the original contractors, leaving the excess, which we reported to the Government that it belonged to the sub-contract or that handled part of the original contract. But the company we submitted as the beneficiary was a non-existent foreign company, which was a purported attempt by us to divert the money for our private use.

I do not intend to mince words with you, I have to tell you the truth; this is a deal but it is 100% risk-free and genuine because the contract has been perfectly and genuinely executed and completed. It depends on whether you are interested or not. Right now this amount is due for payment and is floating in the treasury not attached to
anyone/company.

We are only two people who know the origin of this fund. But we cannot claim it by ourselves because we are civil servants therefore we are looking for a trustworthy foreign company!
individual whose name we can use to claim the money for our mutual benefit.

This is strictly a business deal, but it is 100%risk-free and secure because we will use our official positions to source all the necessary approvals, official documents and certificates that will back up the fund to reflect that you/your company.

we have agreed to offer you 2.5% ofthe entire amount on conclusion of the transaction while 75% will be for us.

Please if you are interested in this proposal, I want you to respond immediately through my personal and telephone stated above for further information and directives.

Thank you for your cooperation. Your urgent reply is awaited.
Best Regards,
Hem T embelani Thulas Nxesi.
Private Mobile: +27 73 6141616.
Private Email; thulasbox1965@hotm ail.co.za
(Department of Public Works S A)

My Response

Dear Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi,

Firstly I would like to thank you for considering me for this fantastic business opportunity. I must admit I was a bit sceptical at first but then I Googled your name and checked out your very impressive credentials (see link for his profile page) http://www.gov.za/aboutgovt/leaders/profile.php?cid=6935 and all my doubts were put to rest in seconds. You seem like a nice man.

Your proposal sounds interesting but I would need insurance that I will not be involved in anything illegal. I would like to hear more details before offering my assistance.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

His Response

Dear Mr. Sebastian Bowen.

Thanks for your email and acknowledgement of my proposal, this is to confirm the receipt of your mail, note that your due share in this noble business is a 25% of the total amount to be transferred to your account, the 2.5% was a typographic error.

The agreement we shall enter into in the course of this business will also state your own 25%. Kindly send me the requested details below as to enable me submit your details to South African Ministry of Works (Exchange Control Division) to obtain approval documents in your name as the sole beneficiary of this USD$50 Million.

A) Your Company’s name:

B) Your Country of Origin:

C) Your Full name as it appears in your International Passport or ID card:

D) Your Mobile Number and Fax Numbers.

I will submit your full detailed information’s to (Exchange Control Division), for fund approval in your name immediately.

Also, provide me with some investment plans for the future.

Your earliest response will determine the pace of execution. Fill free to contact me on my mobile number below for any discussion.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

Mobile: +27 73 614 1616.

My Response

Hello Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

Thank you for responding to my email personally.

25% is a lot more than 2.5% that is a huge error. I hope this is the last error we have during this transaction or we could find ourselves in many problems.

You already have my full name as stated in my email address.

My country of origin could be France I am not sure. I never knew my parents I was an orphan. I was moved around a lot. My earliest memory is France.

Sociocorp is the name of my company.

I never give out my phone number to people I have never met in person. Being in the position that I am, I am sure you can understand.

I can ensure you I have never been a thief and I have never failed to commit to a business arrangement. My other business partners and associates would be happy to confirm this in writing.

In terms of future investments I would possibly use the money to further my research into the science of human cloning and transhumanism. My company is on the brink of discovering a genetic link that could potentially change the way we look at evolution forever.

I won’t bore you with all the details now. I hope I have provided all the necessary information to allow us to progress.

I look forward to doing business with you.

Please send my regards to Mr Cronin.

Sebastian Bowen.

His Response

Dear Mr Bowen,

I don’t think you are serious to transact with me.

My Response

Dear Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

I am a little confused by your response. I can ensure you I am very serious. I am always serious when it comes to money, even if it’s just Monopoly. I once broke my friends finger after I caught him cheating taking cash from the bank. No joke.

If I have offended you in any way you must believe me when I say it was not my intention. I am a person who believes in doing everything with intention.

If you still would like to continue to explain your business proposition I am still willing to listen. If not it was nice speaking to you, have a nice day.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

His Response

Send me the requested details below:

A) Your Company’s name:

B) Your Country of Origin:

C) Your Full name as it appears in your International Passport or ID card:

D) Your Mobile Number and Fax Numbers.

My Response

As stated in the previous email I have already addressed all of those questions that you requested.

Company name is Sociocorp

My Name Sebastian Bowen

Country of origin is France

I never give out my phone number to people I have never met in person.

You are a minister so I assume you understand when I say I am a busy man and I do not have time for games. If you do not wish to do business then I will wish you all the best for the future.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

His Response

Dear Mr. Sebastian Bowen.

This is to confirm receipt of your email including your personal details; therefore, this morning I will submit your details to South African Ministry of Works & Housing (Exchange Control Division) for the fund approval in your name.

I will contact you along with the approval documents immediately I receive the fund approval documents in your name before the end of the day.

Fill free to contact me on my mobile number below for further discussion.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

Mobile: +27 73 614 1616.

My Response

Hello Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

I am glad to hear that you are happy to proceed. After our last correspondence I was worried that you were wasting my time. I look forward to your next email.

I will have to travel to Italy today for a meeting so if I do not respond immediately do not worry I will get back to you at the next most convenient time in the day.

An item on the agenda for today’s meeting is future investment plans or research. Due to our current business arrangement I will be able to tell the board that it is likely that I have managed to secure some funds for the future. I will not tell them any details about our arrangement I would prefer to refer to you as a private silent investor.

I really hope everything goes well today I look forward to your next correspondence.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

His Response

Dear Mr. Sebastian Bowen.

How are you?

After submitting your details to South African Ministry of Works (Exchange Control Division), now I am happy to inform you that the fund approval has been granted in your name as you can see in the attached documents.

What a surprise, there were no attached documents.

In view of this, kindly send your bank account details for submission to the bank on your behalf, as the beneficiary, for processing and transferring this money directly to the account without delay.

There would not be any problem transferring this money to your bank account. You will never be linked to source of the fund even after the successful transfer. The Director will re-profile the money in your name with the bank’s legal transfer documentations to avoid any suspicion.

I am anxiously waiting to receive your bank account details, fill free to contact me on my mobile number below for any discussion.

Yours very truly,

Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.
Mobile: +27 73 614 1616.

My Response

Dear, Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

That is such good news. I have just left my meeting and I am flying back to France tonight. The meeting went well and the thought of this investment is an exciting addition to the day. I am so excited I have even let my secretary take the afternoon off to go shopping in Milan.

Once the money is transferred the first thing I will buy for myself is a Bugatti Veyron to celebrate. I don’t know if you have seen that car but it is amazing I recommend you treat yourself.

As requested here are my bank account details. If you have any problems please let me know immediately.

D. Evils Bank
Hells Lane, NY 60606
Routing number 071000013
Bank Account: 100673666

I hope the next time we speak I will be popping a bottle of the finest champagne.

All the best.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

It’s been two days and I have not heard anything back from my new business partner.

My Additional Response

Dear Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi.

It has been a couple days since we last spoke. Did everything go ok. When am I likely to get my 25%?

I hope you are not thinking of robbing me because that would not be a good idea.

I don’t know if you have seen the film Taken staring Liam Neeson but I should warn you that it’s a true story and it was loosely based on my life. I am not the person you want to upset. I will find you!

Respond back asap or else.

Regards,

Sebastian Bowen.

I never received anymore correspondence from Hon. Mr. Thembelani Thulas Nxesi. I would assume he is still trying to hack into the devils bank. Although I was smart enough to know this was a scam from the beginning there are many people who lose money like this everyday. Be Careful not greedy. There is no such thing as free money without consequence.