Archive for the ‘🐄 Sour Tales’ Category

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

Request for September funds.

This should also serve as a reminder that some of you have yet to pay for July and August.

I will make the October request later this month

Many of you will have seen notices promising ‘free’ tea and coffee via email and on notice boards.

None of these have made any mention of milk provision.

There was talk of free milk provision. So far this has proved to be nothing more than talk.

The milk fund members are a grim-hearted cabal for whom seeing-is-believing. We have long abandoned those hopes of sunlit uplands comprising free milk provision.

Milk thieving itself is becoming even more blatant. Whereas last month someone artfully cut a small hole in the bag to obtain access; this month someone just tore the bag open.

Having referred this case to CrimeWatch the following results have come back. We are looking at 2 distinct groups of thieves with very different psychological profile types. The first is skilful and calm under pressure (possibly also carries out safe-cracking in their spare time). The second is likely short-tempered and possessed of greater physical strength. The second personality type is likely to be furtive; have bulging psychotic eyes, and possibly does not tuck their shirt into their trousers correctly. Members of the Milk Fund are advised to avoid confronting the second personality type.

Unfortunately, the e-fit photograph was unclear: therefore an arrest and conviction are unlikely.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

If this persists I may have to introduce a mandatory bag tying training seminar; failure to complete training may result in cancellation of membership.
Another threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for the supplementation of hot beverages, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Kind regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat.

Advertisements

 

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales.

Hello All

Request for July and August funds.

Yes I’m making a request for calendar month of July and August funds. I’ll be making a request for September funds later this month.

I have been on annual leave intermittently throughout August so have not been able to send my usual email for July or August.

In my absence Pam once again stood in the breach to ensure milk was purchased.

Some of you have already paid for the month of July. Rest assured: my spreadsheet knows who you are.

A list of current milk club members can be emailed to you. Some of you are on the 2nd floor; some on the 3rd floor.

Please know that the Milk Fund is a fellowship of equal tea drinkers (and to a lesser extent: coffee drinkers)

Note: if you are a member of the milk fund you may partake of the milk on either floor.

E.g. imagine someone from the 2nd floor who finds themselves in the exotic and dizzying heights of the 3rd floor. Though they may find themselves amongst strangers they will find the Milk Fund’s warm embrace reaches them there.

Simply look for the bottle with the childish handwriting from a cheap biro on an even cheaper post-it note.

In other news: please do not screw the lid over the bag as this causes milk to leak into the bag,

 

This will result in termination of membership

 
Please refrain from doing this as it is disgusting.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

In keeping with our ‘snitch-a-colleague’ scheme, please report suspected milk thieves to me. Whilst I won’t take any real action; a campaign of hissing and evil stares will be initiated against these people. This is intended to achieve nothing, other than making me feel slightly better.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

Refer to my previous email for the instructional video demonstrating the correct way to do it. Failure to complete training will result in cancellation of membership.

Another threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for drinkers of beverages, which require the addition of milk, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat.

Sour Tales 🐄 #03 Feb 2013

Posted: October 4, 2015 in 🐄 Sour Tales

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales. 

Hello All

Could you all please pay the £2 for the month of February at your earliest convenience?

If you no longer wish to be a member please send me an email.

The Milk club is under serious threat!

The milk is being lain siege to by milk thieves. People have been using the milk without paying for it.

These are people with little or no social conscience. They may rationalise their thefts by believing it to be a ‘free’ service.

You may be able to identify them, as a milk thief will likely be decidedly ugly.

This is due to their withered souls having ravaged their faces.

The thefts have been substantial and may cripple the financial solvency of the fund.

If these thefts are not abated the cost of membership will need to rise.

The real price of liberty (of drinking milk) is eternal vigilance.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

If this persists I will have to introduce a mandatory bag tying training seminar; failure to complete training will result in cancellation of membership. 

In lead up to your training I have included a short tutorial video, I suggest you watch it at your earliest convenience.

Another major threat to solvency is cereal eating. Anyone caught doing this will have their membership immediately terminated. Eat Cheerios at your own risk.

The milk club is for drinkers of beverages, which require the addition of milk, only. Cereal eaters should buy their own milk separately or use water.

Kind regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales. 

Hello All

Could you all please pay the £2 for the month of January at your earliest convenience?

If you no longer wish to be a member please send me an email.

Please note that if you cancel your membership you will not be entered into any of the monthly prize draws in which fabulous prizes (i.e. used carrier bags) can be won!

The Performance Team milk club now has 14 members.

i.e. 3 new people have joined since last time.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

It is the duty of every milk club member to ensure the security of milk.

Some people have had difficulty in tying the carrier bag around the bottle in a secure way.

If this persists I may have to introduce a mandatory bag tying training seminar; failure to complete training may result in cancellation of membership. Below is a photograph displaying the correct way to tie the knot.

Side angle of the knot

  

Front angle of the knot.

 
Another threat to solvency is cereal eating.

The milk club is for drinkers of beverages, which require the addition of milk, only.

The milk club remains solvent.

New members are not required.

Kind regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat

In every company there are people who love a cup of tea or coffee. In every company somebody is responsible for buying the milk for those beverages. Milk is not free so everybody needs to donate. One man has made it his business to make sure you do, and his name is, The Soulless Bureaucrat, and these are his Sour Tales. 

Hello All

The Performance Team milk club now has 11 members. Not all members of the club are members of the Performance Team.

I could do a Venn diagram explaining this, but this is perhaps unnecessary.

All have paid their £2 for the month of December and the club should be solvent for the immediate month.

It was brought to my attention that not all members were aware of the location of milk bottles.

The milk bottles are labelled with ‘performance team milk club’ and are kept in carrier bags with a knot tied on the carrier bag handles. The current bottle is nearly finished.

There is currently a 4 pint bottle placed in the tray at the base of the fridge on the right.

Note: It is important to re-tie the knot after use (ensuring that the bag covers the lid) as a means of preventing ‘milk pilfering’, which is the single greatest threat to milk solvency.

Another threat to solvency is cereal eating. Cereal eating from the milk club represents a severe and pernicious threat to solvency.

The milk club is for drinkers of beverages, which require the addition of milk, only. If you like cereal: I suggest you use water.

This should be enough for solvency and I’m not requiring any new members for the present.

That ends this communique.

Kind regards,

The Soulless Bureaucrat