Archive for the ‘😡 The Rant!’ Category


Despite the fact that people usually find a way of irritating me every single day, I can’t believe I’m only up to rant number 18. It’s either a credit to my impressive tolerance or proof of my lack of time these days to write anything down.

It’s 2017 and there are still people who think it’s ok to throw litter on the floor. Seriously what’s wrong with these people. I remember in the 80s when I was a wee boy, there was a massive campaign actively trying to discourage the next generation from souring our streets.


For some reason that message stuck with me and as a result I have always binned or pocketed my rubbish rather than throwing it on the floor.


It really annoys me because it’s a completely unnecessary act and breathes a stench of arrogance and entitlement that somebody is going to come along and clean that up after you.


And don’t give me that ridiculous argument that it helps to create jobs for people and in some twisted way by you dropping rubbish it is actually helping the unemployment crisis. That’s an idiotic line of thinking and only highlights how narcissistic our society has become.

This rant isn’t exclusive to pedestrians either, in fact some drivers can be far worst. I have seen people literally pull over and chuck a whole family meal size bag and numerous cups onto the pavement and drive off without a care in the world. It’s disgusting and needs to stop.

It’s now the norm in most cities for school kids to regularly walk around after school eating hamburgers, fried chicken or pizza and throw their discarded bones and rubbish straight onto the pavement without any thought given. It makes me cringe every time.


What’s worst is when you see a parents doing it in front of their child or actually telling their child who is attempting to hand them back an empty sweet wrapper to just chuck it on the floor.

It’s been a while since I have seen an advert  on television for litter. We seem to have many about recycling but nothing about not being a pig. In fact I retract that statement because that comparison is a disservice to pigs.

I’m not even going to bother reciting a load of unnecessary stats about how much it cost to clean up after litter bugs or how much it effecting the environment because it’s unnecessary. The image below sums up a typical Saturday morning after a Friday night in the city.


It’s simple the world is a worst place to live in with other people’s mess everywhere. Clean up your shit people!

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I haven’t had a good rant for some time, but this one had to be done.

It has happened to all of us. We find ourselves in a supermarket standing in a queue and the person in front of us is constantly trailing away from the queue to get other items.


This is called shopping, they should no longer be in the queue. The queue is for those people that have finished shopping and are now ready and waiting to pay.

It’s a simple concept but some people have figured out ways to try and manipulate the system. I’m here to expose those people and their deplorable tactics.

Don’t get me wrong people, I’m not an idiot I understand sometimes you might see the odd item that you didn’t know you needed within grabbing distance in the isle whilst queuing,


but if you have to walk more than a couple meters away from the queue to get it, then you have given up your queuing privileges. You are now back to shopping. Get the hell out the queue!

This one women took the biscuit. She started queuing before me with an almost empty trolley but every few seconds she would dart off and return moments later with more items until her trolly was almost full.

What’s worst, when it was time for her to pay, she still held up the queue by disappearing through the isles once again and somehow returned with another trolley full of stuff. Yes you read that correctly, ANOTHER TROLLY FULL OF STUFF!


It was as if she was using the trolley in the queue as some sort of place holder whilst she went gallivanted around the shopping centre returning once every so often to the queue just to dump a few items. Unbelievable.

This is not a fair way to shop people. Stop trying to be smart it’s not cute.

However, I am fair, there are one or two exceptions I am willing to allow:


1. If you are already standing in the queue and you notice an item is damaged or you accidentally picked up the wrong item and you want to exchange it for another one.

This is perfectly acceptable but should be done with an exaggerated facial expression whilst holding and looking at the item disapprovingly accompanied by a big sigh and a shake of the head.

Thus giving the people behind you an exlplanation as to why you are leaving the queue and your trolley unattended.

Please note: This technique should never be performed more than twice on the same shop. It is likely to attract less sympathy and patience from the people behind you on a second attempt. Just pay for your slightly damaged goods and move on.

2. There is also a time limit.

People leaving the queue naturally create anxieties for the others that are still queuing. Leaving them to ask themselves questions like:

When are you coming back?

Can they take your place if you don’t return before the cashier has finished serving the person in front of you?

What’s the correct shopping etiquette for something like this without causing an all out riot!

In some places like South East London where I grew up, jumping the queue could leave you with some broken limbs. You would be an idiot just to assume.

Queue Shopping is immoral and unnecessary unless you are purposely trying to piss people off. Nobody is fooled by your antics, but I can guarantee they are highly irritated. So the next time you are in your local supermarket, ask yourself one question, am I shopping or am I queuing?

Sebastian Bowen.

The Fishtank Podcast.

  
This is one that really bothers me, because it’s something we all learn as children, but for some reason we don’t respect as adults. Too many times whether it be on the train or in other public spaces, some people don’t like to share seating space. For sake of this rant I am referring to public benches or train passenger seats. 
Let me give you a few examples. 

Scenario 1: The Seat Filler.

I board a busy train in the morning and look for a seat. Many people are standing up but I can still see random spaces. I look to see why people are not using any of the available seats and low and behold there are bags on them. 

 

Extreme case of chair filling

 
As if that wasn’t bad enough when I ask a person to move their bag, instead of apologising and moving it quickly, you have the audacity to look at me and scoff. it’s not like I have asked them to share their morning coffee with me or anything, JUST MOVE YOUR BAG! 

Scenario 2: The Bench Hogger.

I’m walking in the park or some other open public space. My legs eventually get tired and I decide that I want to sit down. I walk over to a bench that is easily able to seat two possibly three people easily, but some idiot has sat right in the middle of the bench. As he sees me approaching he makes no effort to slide along to either end. Please don’t be like this guy, he’s an idiot. In cases like these I will choose to sit as close to you as possible to make you feel uncomfortable and eventually obliged to move along. 

  

Extreme case of bench hogging

Scenario number 3: The Seat Blocker. 

I board a busy train looking for a seat. There are a few darted around but all appear to be the middle seat of a three seater, or a single seat next to the window. For some reason some adults don’t like to sit in these seats and they try to keep them vacant for their imaginary friends. When you see people desperate for a seat just MOVE DOWN! Don’t make me have to step over you and your bags like a poor mans obstacle course and attempt to acrobatically contort myself into the space. Either way I’m sitting down so you might as well make it easy for all of us instead of getting your feet crushed as I “accidentally” step on them to get in. 

When I am in an aisle seat an the window seat is vacant I shift across to the window seat making it easy for the person standing to sit in the aisle seat. This is logical behaviour. Don’t be an idiot and make people’s lives more stressful than it has to be. 

This is a key indicator to give up your seat.

Also I shouldn’t even need to type this, but shame on you if you’re one of those people who bows their heads and pretends not to notice the elderly person or a women wearing a baby on board badge when she is standing and waiting for a seat. Get up and stop being selfish.

We teach our children to move down to allow other children to sit down, so why do we throw away this logic when it comes to each other when we are adults. We all like to sit down at times but some of us make it more difficult for the others. The next time you’re sitting down and somebody else is standing check yourself and make sure you are not the reason why. 

Its the summer of 2015, the future that we have all been promised is just over the horizon. Kind of. We have access to wonderful exciting ground breaking technology at our fingertips with a whole new world of innovation just around the corner.

The mobile phone has been around for at least 20 years, and believe me it has changed my life. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I would find it very difficult to live without it. Despite the fact that this little portable communication device has been in our lives for as long as it has, for some reason some people have not discovered how to disable keypad tones. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!

Listening to somebody texting a long essay to somebody with keypad tones enabled, is like listening to a heart rate monitor hooked up to your worst enemy in the hopes of finally hearing it flatline. Every beep of every typed letter torments me until the only thing I can imagine is me ripping the phone out the person hands and braining them with it. And I’m not even a violent person.

Whilst I was layzily searching for images on the internet that would best convey my sense of rage against my fellow commuter, I came across this little beauty from a website called spreadjesus.org. I found it mildly satisfying.

                                                        Yes, when you don’t disable keypad tones.

Before anybody gets there knickers in a twist, let me just say that I am not a complete idiot. I do realise some people require these sounds as a signifier in order to let them know they have pressed the button. So elderly people and disabled people are exempt from this rant. This is aimed at those other idiots who are more than aware of what they are doing to annoy us, but they just don’t give a shit about mine or anybody else’s sanity.

During my non-existent research for this rant, I discovered that this problem is common in men and women in their late 40s early 50s. The type of people that resisted getting a mobile phone in the late 90’s because they didn’t want to be “oppressed by the technology”. Fast forward a couple decades, and now they find themselves with an old Nokia that’s been handed down to them by one of their children whom is now spending their time gazing and swiping the screen of a flashy smart phone.

If you belong to this subgroup of people and have not had a mobile phone long enough to be up to date with the PPE (Public Phone Etiquette), allow me to share some wizdom from my many years of experience.

5 Helpful tips to stop people hating you:

  • Don’t talk loud for no reason. Nobody is interested in your conversation. If possible refrain from talking at all because your voice is probably annoying.
  • Don’t handle your phone whilst operating a vehicle. This is highly dangerous and no message or phone call is worth dying for. Seriously, don’t do this.
  • Don’t be a Phone Zombie (See my previous post The Rant #14)
  • Any type of musical ringtone that plays your favourite song when you’re receiving a call, is no longer cool. In fact it never was cool and it’s definetly not cool now.
  • Turn off your f**king Keypad Tones!!!

The request is a simple one, please please please turn off the Keypad tones. In fact turn off all tones. All phones have the vibrate feature, why do people feel it’s even necessary to use both? I have not heard my phone make a sound for over 3 years and I don’t miss it. I am never that far away from my phone or away from it long enough to miss anything remotely important. And If I do happen to miss a call I will be notified immediately.

I am declaring that in 2015 keypad tones are out dated and should not be used in public anymore. Feel free to use them in your own home or in public, but at your own risk.

Sebastian Bowen. 

The Fishtank Podcast.

Art by Niko Grimwords

When I first heard that China had introduced designated walking paths for people using their mobile phones, I laughed and thought it was a ridiculous idea. Fast forward almost a year and I find myself begging that London will introduce something similar.

Mobile lane in China

Apart from the consistently unreliable bane of my life that is London Public Transport, mobile phones are the leading cause of crowd congestion in the city. Actually let me rephrase that, idiots on mobile phones are the leading cause of crowd congestion in the city.

One moment you are perfectly happy walking at a normal socially acceptable pace, only to find yourself taking pigeon steps to your destination. Sometimes it takes me longer to get out of a tube station than it does for The Undertaker to walk to the ring at Wrestlemania (If you’re not a wrestling fan you will have to trust me on this one, it’s long). The most common location for the congestion for some reason is near the entrances and exits of all Tube stations. The cause of this is usually some bloody nincompoop walking at a snails pace whilst looking down at their phone either texting or checking directions.

Some people are completely overwhelmed by their texting and come to a complete halt. They stand there oblivious to the world whilst everybody else tries to shuffle around them like a disobedient child that won’t get off of the floor in Tesco’s on a Saturday. Move tot he side or get out of the way you fool.

Everybody in the city has a phone and unfortunately everybody thinks they have mastered the capability of multitasking. The truth is they haven’t. I must admit I am a culprit of this myself. However not all of us are totally incapable of doing both at the same time. I am one of those people who can manage to maintain a consistent reasonable walking speed whilst operating my device, thus reducing any disruption for my fellow commuters. Why some people feel the need to come to a complete stop is beyond me. After all, it is supposed to be a mobile phone, mobile being the key word.

I think it is time we introduced a mobile lane to the streets of London so all of the zombies can be late together. It is clear from their lack of pace that punctuality is not something they care for. I don’t see why the rest of us need to be punished. Anyone caught in a non-mobile lane using their phone should have to take a forfeit chosen by  the angry commuters that are being held up behind them. This would not only serve as a reasonable punishment but it would be hugely entertaining and a satisfying addition to my day.

So the next time you are out and about and you find yourself replying to a text in a busy public space. Take a moment to look up from your shiny precious phone to ensure you are not the one that is causing the traffic and being a complete douchebag. You could be doing it right now!

Sebastian Bowen. 

The Fishtank Podcast.

This rant is long overdue.

Every morning I am forced to endure the constant torment that is London public transport. If that wasn’t bad enough, most days I find myself sitting or more than likely standing next to some guy picking his nose.

Firstly let me start by saying that this problem is not restricted to men, I have seen women doing it to. I thought that this was a dirty habit that people grew out of by the age of three, in fear of being teased by fellow pre-school classmates. Well that’s how it was in my day. If you got caught picking your nose nobody would associate with you. My social circles were filtered even back then.

People have come up with so many different elaborate ways of extracting their slimy emerald nasties. Some are blatant with it, some try to be sneaky with it assuming you don’t know what they are up to.

Recently I was unfortunate enough to sit opposite a guy who was so brazen with it. He was knuckle deep into his nostril before I had to say something to him. It was making me feel sick, I needed him to stop so I opened my bag and offered him a spoon. He looked at me as if wanted to shoot me. He was clearly embarrassed and stopped what he was doing immediately. Result! Feel free to use that one, it works every time.

Then you have the eaters, the ultimate level of gross. This is not uncommon either I can honestly say I witness this on a daily basis. Again some of them are covert about it but others don’t give a damn. They will chew on that mucus like its a fresh stick of gum. In some ways though eating it is better, because it means they are not flicking it or wiping it on the seat.

The scientific term for picking your nose is rhinotillexis and the term used for eating it is mucophagy. Scientist argue that there are some benefits to eating nasal mucus, but I am not entertaining that theory, the very thought of doing it makes me want to heave.

If you are one of those people that enjoys picking their nose, please do it in the comfort of your own home. Nobody needs to see that.

Sebastian Bowen.

The Fishtank Podcast.

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Over the years people’s manners have become almost non-existent. There was once an unwritten rule that if you were trying to enter a public building or transportation that you would step aside and let the people trying to exit go first. This is not only polite but it’s also common sense. That rule appears to be a thing of the past these days.

On many occasions I find that I am the only one at a train station that has the patience to let people off before I go storming on looking for an available seat. I understand that getting a seat is important to some people, but that seat is still going to be there after you allow people to get off the train first.

Whilst I’m on the subject of manners, it is also good etiquette to say thank you to somebody when they hold a door open for you. The amount of times I have been surprised at the lack of gratitude from people, is far too often. People behave as if I am employed to hold the door open for them, and even if I was, there is no reason why you shouldn’t say thank you. Having manners and treating people a certain way helps to build a sense of community and unity. This should be a universal goal for all of us.

I want to share some simple rules that I was taught by my parents growing up. They have helped me to be a better person in society and I am hoping they can help you to.

  1. Always say please and thank you, it can never hurt.
  2. Always address your elders with respect.
  3. Allow people to exit before you enter. (Wait your turn)
  4. Share with and help others instead of standing back and watching people struggle.
  5. Treat others with respect don’t be a douche bag.
  6. Clean up after yourself because nobody else wants to do it for you.
  7. Respect differences.
  8. Don’t eat with your mouth open. Nobody wants to see that.
  9. Never use profanity or violence to make a point or resolve an issue. This can be hard at times.
  10. Admit when you are wrong and always be willing to apologise. Take responsibility.

There are a lot more I could have shared with you, but I believe if people can embrace just these ten rules then the world would be a better place to live.

I know a lot of you are probably unaware of your rudeness and are completely oblivious to your own ignorance, but it’s not too late to change. Please teach and encourage young children how to behave and share my ten rules with them. Let’s all try to make this world a place we all want to live.

Sebastian Bowen.

The Fishtank Podcast.