Posts Tagged ‘#keypadtone’

Its the summer of 2015, the future that we have all been promised is just over the horizon. Kind of. We have access to wonderful exciting ground breaking technology at our fingertips with a whole new world of innovation just around the corner.

The mobile phone has been around for at least 20 years, and believe me it has changed my life. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I would find it very difficult to live without it. Despite the fact that this little portable communication device has been in our lives for as long as it has, for some reason some people have not discovered how to disable keypad tones. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!

Listening to somebody texting a long essay to somebody with keypad tones enabled, is like listening to a heart rate monitor hooked up to your worst enemy in the hopes of finally hearing it flatline. Every beep of every typed letter torments me until the only thing I can imagine is me ripping the phone out the person hands and braining them with it. And I’m not even a violent person.

Whilst I was layzily searching for images on the internet that would best convey my sense of rage against my fellow commuter, I came across this little beauty from a website called I found it mildly satisfying.

                                                        Yes, when you don’t disable keypad tones.

Before anybody gets there knickers in a twist, let me just say that I am not a complete idiot. I do realise some people require these sounds as a signifier in order to let them know they have pressed the button. So elderly people and disabled people are exempt from this rant. This is aimed at those other idiots who are more than aware of what they are doing to annoy us, but they just don’t give a shit about mine or anybody else’s sanity.

During my non-existent research for this rant, I discovered that this problem is common in men and women in their late 40s early 50s. The type of people that resisted getting a mobile phone in the late 90’s because they didn’t want to be “oppressed by the technology”. Fast forward a couple decades, and now they find themselves with an old Nokia that’s been handed down to them by one of their children whom is now spending their time gazing and swiping the screen of a flashy smart phone.

If you belong to this subgroup of people and have not had a mobile phone long enough to be up to date with the PPE (Public Phone Etiquette), allow me to share some wizdom from my many years of experience.

5 Helpful tips to stop people hating you:

  • Don’t talk loud for no reason. Nobody is interested in your conversation. If possible refrain from talking at all because your voice is probably annoying.
  • Don’t handle your phone whilst operating a vehicle. This is highly dangerous and no message or phone call is worth dying for. Seriously, don’t do this.
  • Don’t be a Phone Zombie (See my previous post The Rant #14)
  • Any type of musical ringtone that plays your favourite song when you’re receiving a call, is no longer cool. In fact it never was cool and it’s definetly not cool now.
  • Turn off your f**king Keypad Tones!!!

The request is a simple one, please please please turn off the Keypad tones. In fact turn off all tones. All phones have the vibrate feature, why do people feel it’s even necessary to use both? I have not heard my phone make a sound for over 3 years and I don’t miss it. I am never that far away from my phone or away from it long enough to miss anything remotely important. And If I do happen to miss a call I will be notified immediately.

I am declaring that in 2015 keypad tones are out dated and should not be used in public anymore. Feel free to use them in your own home or in public, but at your own risk.

Sebastian Bowen. 

The Fishtank Podcast.

Art by Niko Grimwords

When I first heard that China had introduced designated walking paths for people using their mobile phones, I laughed and thought it was a ridiculous idea. Fast forward almost a year and I find myself begging that London will introduce something similar.

Mobile lane in China

Apart from the consistently unreliable bane of my life that is London Public Transport, mobile phones are the leading cause of crowd congestion in the city. Actually let me rephrase that, idiots on mobile phones are the leading cause of crowd congestion in the city.

One moment you are perfectly happy walking at a normal socially acceptable pace, only to find yourself taking pigeon steps to your destination. Sometimes it takes me longer to get out of a tube station than it does for The Undertaker to walk to the ring at Wrestlemania (If you’re not a wrestling fan you will have to trust me on this one, it’s long). The most common location for the congestion for some reason is near the entrances and exits of all Tube stations. The cause of this is usually some bloody nincompoop walking at a snails pace whilst looking down at their phone either texting or checking directions.

Some people are completely overwhelmed by their texting and come to a complete halt. They stand there oblivious to the world whilst everybody else tries to shuffle around them like a disobedient child that won’t get off of the floor in Tesco’s on a Saturday. Move tot he side or get out of the way you fool.

Everybody in the city has a phone and unfortunately everybody thinks they have mastered the capability of multitasking. The truth is they haven’t. I must admit I am a culprit of this myself. However not all of us are totally incapable of doing both at the same time. I am one of those people who can manage to maintain a consistent reasonable walking speed whilst operating my device, thus reducing any disruption for my fellow commuters. Why some people feel the need to come to a complete stop is beyond me. After all, it is supposed to be a mobile phone, mobile being the key word.

I think it is time we introduced a mobile lane to the streets of London so all of the zombies can be late together. It is clear from their lack of pace that punctuality is not something they care for. I don’t see why the rest of us need to be punished. Anyone caught in a non-mobile lane using their phone should have to take a forfeit chosen by  the angry commuters that are being held up behind them. This would not only serve as a reasonable punishment but it would be hugely entertaining and a satisfying addition to my day.

So the next time you are out and about and you find yourself replying to a text in a busy public space. Take a moment to look up from your shiny precious phone to ensure you are not the one that is causing the traffic and being a complete douchebag. You could be doing it right now!

Sebastian Bowen. 

The Fishtank Podcast.